


The Shadow Remains

by Samsara



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:49:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samsara/pseuds/Samsara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the only way Bertholdt can be by Reiner is to be his shadow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shadow Remains

Sometimes when Bertholdt watches Reiner, he realizes just what it is he’s missing. He sees how Reiner gets in playful tussles with Eren and floors him in a matter of seconds. He sees how Reiner leans against the building, trying to flirt with Christa only for Ymir to stare daggers at him. He sees how Reiner comes over to Connie and Sasha, laughing and joking and saying to them, “She’s totally into me.”

  
But what Bertholdt also sees is how he is growing invisible to Reiner.

  
Bertholdt begins to assign himself the role of a shadow, permanently affixed to Reiner, yet never capable of being touched by him. Bertholdt stands in his path and suddenly they’re playing that game children would play where they would try to step on the head of their shadow. It proves impossible, and Bertholdt is the head of Reiner’s shadow, although Reiner doesn’t know he’s playing the game. He’s stepping forward but instead of reaching Bertholdt, he walks right past him.

  
He claps hands onto Eren’s shoulders, punches Connie playfully and gets his ass handed to him by Mikasa. In his eyes, he’s no different from any of them. But for Bertholdt, he sees someone he cannot reach. Even when he calls Reiner’s name, he doesn’t so much as glance back and wave. Maybe, along with these new friends, Reiner has a new name and he’s chosen not to inform Bertholdt.

  
Bertholdt merely walks behind him, Reiner’s shadow as always. He remains in close proximity in case he finds a chink in Reiner’s soldier armor where Bertholdt can squeeze in and reveal his face. Maybe it’s just wide enough of a gap where he can plead with Reiner to remember what they shared together. Those nights alone in the wilderness after Berik’s death. Those days hidden behind the walls as children. Those times where Bertholdt desperately cried out for someone to find him, only for Reiner to be the one to find Bertholdt before anyone else could. The chinks were never big enough.

  
He often finds that the best use of his presence is on hot days where the others need some semblance of shade. Reiner’s shadow has found use in that he provides some sliver of relief for the sweaty, exhausted soldiers of whom he can’t recognize. They don’t share the same goals. That is, unless Reiner’s affections are those goals.

  
Sometimes, Bertholdt finds that Reiner is stumped on his name. He finds those rare moments where he and Reiner have a moment together, but Reiner can’t bring him to say the right name. He says Benjamin one time. Brandon another. It takes him four tries one day, and by then, Bertholdt gave up. There were some days where he was only good as the dark shape behind Reiner Braun.  
When people (other than Reiner) did remember his name, they often couldn’t pronounce it. “Birdle.” Said someone. “Bertie” Said another. “Bertha.” Said someone unsure about whether the name was feminine or masculine.

  
“Bertholdt.” “Bertol” “Bertholdt.” “Bertold” “Bertholdt.” “Berthol” “Ber-tholdt.” “Bird House.”

  
“Nevermind.”

  
Other days, he was nothing more than an extension of Reiner. “Hey Bertl and Reiner are you coming to dinner?” “Hey, Reiner and Bertholdt are you busy?” “Hey Reiner, Hey Bertholdt. Are you two going to bed?” Always an extension. He was never just Bertholdt. He was always “And Bertholdt.”

  
Most days Bertholdt found himself just as identity conflicted as Reiner, although in his case he could at least grasp reality. Some days he was fond of being an extension of Reiner. It meant he had not yet lost him. Other days he was infuriated by the way that no one seemed to recognize him as his own person. He and Reiner were not synonymous with the same entity.

  
Yet they were. As far as Bertholdt’s mind was concerned, he couldn’t function correctly without Reiner. Nor Reiner without him. So that’s why he struggles.

  
He struggles because other than Reiner, he only talks to Armin (when he frees himself from Eren and Mikasa). He struggles because Reiner’s the last iota of home he has left. He struggles because when Reiner has some notion of sanity and isn’t off thinking he’s someone else, he spends his nights reassuring Bertholdt: they’re going to make it home.

  
Deep down Bertholdt knows this is a lie. He knows that home doesn’t have the same meaning to them anymore. He knows that he’s the only warrior among them. He knows that Reiner’s long gone and even if he does recover, it won’t be in the right ways. Reiner has become accustomed to his soldier life and he seems intent on remaining there.

  
Bertholdt sees a human. Not a shifter. Not a titan. Not his Reiner. He sees a man who has been brainwashed to believing he’s a human and Bertholdt has to struggle to reach the Reiner he used to know.

  
“Hey Bertel.” Reiner says, only for Bertholdt to remain silent. He’s taught Reiner that until he says the name correctly, his shadow shall remain silent and motionless.

  
Reiner goes on for a minute, rolling off B names until he finds the right one. He says “Bur-thol-duh-t” adding more syllables than necessary, but Bertholdt accepts this.

  
“What?” he replies, already finding that in his bed he’s begun his nightly transformation to a sheet ballerina. Reiner’s hands touch him and try to bring him closer, but Bertholdt denies him the touch he seems to crave.

  
“What’s that about?” he asks, sounding hurt that Bertholdt has pulled his body to the far side of his bed. “I wanted you here.”

  
Bertholdt doesn’t reply. Instead he pulls the blankets around himself.

  
“The Bertholdt you want isn’t coming.” He says from his sheets. “The Bertholdt you want doesn’t exist.”

  
He thinks in Reiner’s mind, that Bertholdt is doing the same thing to him. He thinks that Reiner thinks that Bertholdt has become a soldier as well. That there is this fantasy in Reiner’s head about the two of them being these elite soldiers, performing for mankind and killing titans in a way that would impress even Corporal Levi. But Reiner’s the only one with the delusion and Bertholdt can only remain behind him as he destroys himself.

  
And as Reiner destroys himself. He begins to destroy Bertholdt too.

  
After all, once you destroy everything that is you, all that remains is your shadow.


End file.
